Did you know there are differences in how women and men manage people? It's true. And it's not just your gut instinct. Scientific evidence has shown that evolution, our hormones and how we use our brain make a difference in how we lead.
The Velvet Hammer, written by international speaker Elaine Allison, claims women need to let go of trying to make what works for our male counterparts work for us. Instead, we need to honor our differences and leverage our perspective as a woman to gain the trust, enthusiasm and support of our team. We need to be direct and impactful (a hammer) yet soften our approach with our innate diplomacy, compassion and warmth (the velvet).
She tells me one of the most difficult situations women face in the workplace is when they're promoted and then have to manage friends or former peers.
Early on in Elaine's career, she had to ask a friend - one of 15 flight crew she was managing - to remove a pair of non-regulation earrings. (Can you imagine a man having this problem?) "Oh this is petty. You have too much to worry about, focus on the flight preparation and 465 passengers," Elaine said to herself.
Although it was minor, she realized that the other crew members also noticed the infraction, and were watching and waiting to see what she would do. When she asked her friend to remove the earrings, she was dismayed to find out her friend wanted special treatment. After insisting on sticking to the rules, Elaine found out her friendÉwas no longer her friend.
Has this happened to you? Where you feel pulled between your loyalty to an organization or to a friendly peer?
It's hard to manage friends because they expect different things from you. However, you have an obligation to your organization first and foremost. If you've accepted the job as a supervisor, manager or leader, you have a responsibility to the organization to uphold its standards. Find out what your superiors or organization expects so that you know when to step in, and when you can leave things alone. It's often a fine line between firm and fair.
Elaine advises the way around this potentially sticky situation is to set ground rules and gain support up front. Take your friends or former peers out for coffee early on in your new role and state, "From time to time, I will have to make difficult decisions, decisions you may not like. When those situations occur, can I ask for your understanding and support?"
Once you've done this, as difficult situations arise you can gently remind them, "this is one of those situations we talked about. Can you help me out?"
As women, we tend to look at things holistically, worrying about how our decisions affect our team, families, the environment and anyone or anything else that may be impacted. To be a Velvet Hammer, we need to honor our inherent behaviors and abilities, adapt where we can and need to, as well as be able to make our mark and make a difference.
The majority of people leave an organization because of poor leadership. By being able to gain the respect of those you manage, handling discipline and conflict constructively and without alienation, you may just be the leader they stay for.
P.S.
March 8 is International Women's Day. How will you celebrate yourself?
When handling conflict, it doesn't matter if you're right, it only matters if you can find a third way. Fighting for a point of view doesn't always work well for a leader, and it often takes countless hours trying to prove you're right. In leadership, what matters is if you can move forward and resolve the conflict.
-Elaine Allison, www.thevelvethammer.com
